Sometimes life can seem relentless.
Yesterday, I got what I thought was some amazing news. I was ecstatic. Finally, something was falling into place.
Then, hours later, it all fell apart. Things were not what they seemed and my joy instantly became despair. Devastation.
All my self-doubt and self-criticism came screaming into my brain and the urge to self-harm was overwhelming. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I was past crying. Just completely devastated.
I was angry with myself for allowing myself to believe that something good could actually happen to me. I should have seen this coming. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to hope.
It was a rough night.
Now onto the positive. I didn’t self-harm. Once again, I won the battle against the thoughts in my head. As much as I wanted to turn my anger in on myself, I didn’t. I moped for a bit. I talked to my boyfriend. He hugged me and let me feel all those BPD-intensified emotions in a safe place.
When you live with BPD, everything is either amazing or terrible. Black or white. Slowly, I’m learning to live in the grey. Things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to, but they will. And I have someone incredible by my side who believes in me.
It was a rough night. But I’ll get through this. I always do.