What does it mean to have a mental illness yet be “high-functioning”?

The term “high-functioning” is used when someone is able to do the things they need to do in their daily life. For example, go to work, maintain a relationship, complete their university coursework, and so on. In other words, you present as “normal”. No one would guess that you have any mental health problems.

Whilst on the surface this seems to be a great way to live – after all, who wants people to know they’re struggling? – when you actually think about it, it can be incredibly dangerous. If nobody knows that you’re struggling on the inside, people will continue to treat you like you’re not.

High-functioning people with mental illness often appear to be the most put-together, the most stable, the most in control, when in reality, they are fighting a constant battle inside themselves, trying desperately to keep up appearances.

I know this because I was high-functioning, for a long time.

For several years I held down a full-time job, whilst studying part-time for a master’s degree. I had a long-term relationship. I paid my bills, I kept my appointments, I did everything I was supposed to do. But on the inside, I was dying. When I got home from work I would collapse into bed straight away. I had no energy for anything and was constantly depressed and anxious. But I put what little energy I had into keeping up appearances and making the world think I had my shit together.

And for a while, it worked.

Until it didn’t anymore.

And when a high-functioning person crashes, they crash hard.

I became suicidal and attempted to take my own life several times, culminating in a stay in a psychiatric hospital. I lost my job. My relationship broke down. I lost everything.

It’s a hard fall from the top. So going from everyone thinking I was on top of everything, to everyone knowing I was a total mess, was a horrible, heartbreaking thing to endure.

However, it turns out, having a breakdown was the best thing that ever happened to me. Finally, I’d dropped the mask and let people know that I was struggling. Finally, I’d let people in. Finally, I could get some help.

Now I’d crashed, the mental health staff who had dismissed me in the past had to start taking me seriously. They allowed me to access the appropriate therapy and changed my medication.

Since then, I’ve made massive progress in working on myself. I still have a long way to go, but now I finally know that it’s okay to ask for help, and it’s okay to say “actually, I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now”.

This post has been a bit rambly, but I guess what I’m trying to say is, check on your friends, even if they seem to have their shit together. Hopefully, by raising awareness of high-functioning mental illness, we can prevent people from having to “crash” before they get help.

Do you have any experience with being high-functioning? Maybe you too experienced “the crash”? Would you do any differently now? Tell me about your story in the comments.

Mental Illness and Being High-Functioning (thepatchworkfox.com)

Advertisements

Written by hazel

mental health blogger and advocate

5 comments

  1. I was the same for years and then it just cracked and all came tumbling down. I’m now left feeling like a failure in my career 😦

    Thank you for this – it’s nice to know I’m not alone.

    Like

  2. i too, was high-functioning for years. it’s hard to maintain, however, and i started to slip. a suicide attempt and three months in a rehab were followed by a complete breakdown. i haven’t worked since and am still struggling to put my life back together, whatever that looks like. i agree; high-functioning is dangerous. we go far beyond our limits in our attempts to present as “normal”. if i had a wish, for the me that was or someone else doing it now, it would be to get help early on, to be honest about the extent of difficulty you’re experiencing in the underneath.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am currently high functioning. I go to a counsellor bi-weekly but I don’t think she even quite understands. I lost my 13 year old daughter to brain cancer 18 months ago. We fought for an entire year. My husband’s health hasn’t been good for 10 years due to the same gene that was passed on to my daughter. My dad suffers from dementia and I’m the power of attorney ….I could go in.
    Yet I’m an elementary school principal and resource teacher, I take care of my husband, and family. I give presentations to support my dustrict, I drive struggling and disabled students to school… I mentor early career teachers and evaluate my staff.
    I am afraid that I will break. I collapse onto the couch every night. I tell people that I’m not good. I say the words but because if my appearance no help …

    Like

    1. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you have sought counselling, I hope that it starts to help you. Being high-functioning doesn’t mean we don’t need help, and I hope that people come to understand that.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s